A big part of self-care is learning self-love

Last night I watched the second episode of Sex Education on Netflix. It is a hilarious series, and the thing that stuck out the most to me when the character Otis counseled the couple in the bathtub. 

The conclusion he told the girl was, you have to love yourself before you can really hear what another loves about you. 

Starting Out

When I first started dating I was 15, and I would go out with anyone who gave me attention and asked me out even if I didn’t like them that much. 

I also found it very difficult to stop dating them when I wanted to because I was more afraid of disappointing them than being true to myself. 

I was 100% terrified of asking anybody out that I actually liked. You see, I had pretty low self-esteem and self-confidence. 

Throughout high school I noticed that the more I developed self-love and self-confidence, the more I would date people I was attracted to. 

Later on

I am 33 now, and am partnered with the human of my dreams! It took me until 30 to find them and 31 until I finally decided to date them. 

It may not take that long for you. It may take longer, and that’s okay. What is most important is that you love the heck out of yourself and take excellent care of yourself along the way. 

Okay, so what does that mean? 

What is Self-Love?

I will define it as this: An intense interest in your own health, happiness and well-being and a trust in your worth and value to yourself, others and Life. 

Self-love comes from inside and shines out, and it is incredibly attractive. 

It is different from false confidence or egotism because with those things, you need others to respond to you in a certain way for you to feel good about yourself. 

It’s also different from the “screw you” attitude that pushes people away and makes you a “lone wolf”. 

Why is it so hard? 

If it is hard for you to feel self-love, you are not alone! Lots of us have been trained that you have to do something or be somebody that someone else wants in order for you to be loved. 

You may have been bullied and put down so much that you feel like you don’t deserve love. 

It’s kind of like, you have to unlearn that training in order to regain a sense of self-love. You have to learn to be friends with and kind to yourself. 

For some, that may seem impossible. You may dislike and judge yourself for how you look, how you talk, who you are and what your heritage is. You may criticize and talk down to yourself for every rejection, mess-up or failure. 

How to do it

First, imagine someone you love dearly. It may be a parent, a sibling, a pet or someone else. Bring them to mind. Think about how you feel when you are around them. 

Now, think about how you treat them. Do you yell at them and put them down or talk kindly to them? When they make a mistake, do you stay mad at them or let it go? When they are struggling, do you ignore them or try to help them? 

Likely you are kind, forgiving and try to help them. You want them to be happy and to be around for a long time, right? 

Now imagine treating yourself the same way; as though You were your best friend or favorite pet; someone you love dearly. 

What would you say to You when You make a mistake? How would you comfort You when you have been rejected? When someone else tries to put You down or hurt You, would you let them, or would you protect You? If you couldn’t protect You, would you ask for help? 

All this is self-love, and it is essential to learn to treat yourself with love and respect if you want anyone else to, and if you want to date people who also treat you with love and respect. 

Action Items

Think about things you can do for yourself or with yourself that shows your love. I will give you some ideas, but think of your own as well. 

• Take good care of your body – your hygiene, nutrition, exercise, sleep and hydration. 
• Keep a journal of kind notes to yourself. Here are some of my examples:
  • “Dear Adinah, great job today sitting down and writing your blog.”
  • “Dear Adinah, sorry I cut our finger cooking today. I love you!”
  • “Dear Adinah, I know you are concerned about not being able to work right now. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you!”
• Look at your eyes in the mirror and tell yourself kind things. Here are some of my examples:
  • Adinah, I love you! 
  • I’ve got you! 
  • I respect you!
  • Adinah, you deserve love and respect. 
  • Adinah, you deserve happiness and joy. 
• When you do get upset at yourself, say hurtful things to yourself or think them of yourself, stop and notice then change your language. Example:
  • I’m sorry, please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. 
  • Adinah, you are doing your best, and I appreciate you. 
• Ask a trusted person to catch you whenever you put yourself down and don’t notice. 
• When you do something that creates results you don’t like or that hurts someone else, ask yourself what you learned and what you will do differently next time, then plan on doing that.
• When someone else puts you down, call it out and ask them not to. 
• Learn how to identify and communicate your feelings and needs. *This one is extremely difficult for many people, but it is one of the biggest steps in developing self-love.
• Learn how to listen to other people’s feelings and needs and requests for change. 

It’s a Practice, Not a Destination

Some people grow old and die without ever learning self-love. Don’t let that be you! 

This stuff takes a while to learn, but as long as you are thinking about it now and working toward it, you will be miles ahead of the game, enjoy your life more and have much better relationships along the way.

Take a few minutes to write down one to three things you will do today to start practicing self-love. Then write a plan for how you will continue this practice every day. 

Have a monthly check-in with yourself to see how you are doing and if you want to change up your action items. Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 for how much you feel love toward yourself, and each month rate yourself again. See if it changes over time. 

If you are struggling, ask for help. There are a lot of us who have fought our way from self-loathing or self-hatred to self-love, and we are happy to help others on that path. 

You’ve got this!  

Adinah Barlow 4/28/20