Our brains are wired for safety, first and foremost. If we don’t feel safe enough to share our true selves in a relationship, we cannot fully connect to that person.

Let’s create more safety, then!

This happens in two places; internally (our body, mind, and emotions), and externally (our communication with others).

Without a safe enough internal space, we cannot hope for an external one, so let’s start there.

Tips for creating internal safety:

1. Stop beating yourself up! You might think self-punishment is productive, but I promise it’s not!
2. Give yourself grace and the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure you did your best in the moment, and… you are human and fallible. That’s okay!
3. Look for opportunities for improvement. If you have self-judgment and punishment, it’s trying to modify your behaviors to do better, but it’s missing the mark because it doesn’t create enough safety to modify and try again. Instead, apply #2 then simply ask yourself, what could I have done better here? Apply that next time.
4. Use your imagination properly. Our nervous systems cannot tell the difference between what we are experiencing right now and what we remember experiencing in the past. Therefore, imagine a different outcome, and you will more likely produce it when the opportunity arises again.
5. Take care of your body. Rest well, eat what gives you lasting energy, and plan times to stretch, exercise, and receive nurturance and therapy. Your body is your best friend, and all of your experiences are filtered through it, so take excellent care of it.

Tips for creating external safety: 

1. Ignorance over malice. When you feel hurt by someone, most of the time, they simply don’t know what they did to hurt you. Offer them the same grace you offered yourself earlier.
2. Body language and tone. Imagine you are in conversation with a cute, scared, barking puppy. You would get down on their level, soften your body’s posture, and speak slowly and gently.  This works wonders for upset humans too.
3. Air things out regularly. If you and your loved one(s) have a tendency to keep things in until they explode, set aside time at regular intervals to practice expressing the truth of what’s going on in your world. This will feel awkward and vulnerable, but commit to hearing each other out without defense. Take a break if things get too heated, but come back to it together at a pre-determined time. Talk things out so you don’t act them out. It gets easier with practice!
4. Offer appreciation. Even if you don’t like what your loved one(s) shared, offer appreciation for their honesty. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it’s better than keeping things bottled up inside until they boil over!
5. Have cozy time together regularly. To maintain happiness in a relationship, we need a ratio of five pleasurable experiences to every one painful experience. Therefore, plan pleasant things together. This can be simply snuggling up and reading, sharing memories, singing, or watching a movie together. It can be a nice walk together. Just don’t bring up grievances (about anyone) during this time.